Post by Host Brett on Jan 25, 2012 10:59:33 GMT -5
We outsourced writing these episodes to someone entirely uninvolved in this series. They're written now. Enjoy.
There ya go.
There ya go.
Episode 101: “Deception Already (Man Among Squirrels)”
Sausage Island began with a bang – literally. The boat carrying all eighteen of the castaways blew up and sank because Lex had left his supply of Arrogant Bastard Ale kegs too close to the furnace. Tragically, all eighteen of the castaways died in the inferno, and had to be replaced with low-budget mactors.
These eighteen arrived in a fairly normal fashion. After Brett and Lex dropped them off at the beach, the castaways soon realized that they had no idea what the hell was going on, and decided to build a shelter. Ted didn’t help with the shelter, because he was trying to get his grind on with Sherea, who responded by driving her right knee into Ted’s crotch. Rob broke open some coconuts, and immediately got drunk off of the juice, while Neleh started to cry because her luxury item – a Barbie doll, had gone missing. Rory didn’t do SHIT.
Kim formed a close alliance with Cirie, and planned to take her to the final two.
That night around the campfire, everybody revealed their deepest secrets. Shambo told everybody she was a woman, and Phillip told everybody he was a secret agent, and Bob Dawg told everybody that he was black. Nobody believed any of them, and Phil was aghast that anybody would accuse him of deception already.
The first Immunity challenge was called “Be a poser.” Bob Dawg won, by a really large margin. “I am a man among squirrels!” he boasted. “Now, who wants a taste of my nuts?!?”
Bob Dawg and Danielle went off into the woods and had Immunity celebration sex, Dawg style. Danielle got pregnant.
That night at tribal council, Ted got everybody to vote off Cirie in order to cover up the fact that he had molested her thirty-seven times.
Episode 202: The Lesser of Eight Evils (Keep Hope Alive)
The remaining sixteen castaways and Jason were then divided into two tribes. Gwadatim had all of the black people except Ted, and Panoramio had the rest. Bob Dawg purposely didn’t pick Danielle for his team because he was afraid of babies.
Kim made a secret cross-tribe alliance with Jimmy, intending to take him to the final two. Jimmy’s Alzheimer’s made him forget all about this two minutes later, and he went back to his daily routine of drooling and complaining about whippersnappers.
Sally went out fishing and found a shark, but it got away. Meanwhile, Ted was feeling lonely and decided to hump Edgardo. The douche tried to escape his grim fate by climbing a tree, only to have it begin shaking as Ted grinded against the trunk.
Ashley and Courtney made an alliance of the bitches, and invited Phillip to join. Phillip willingly agreed, then ran around screaming that he had an alliance to everybody who would listen. Shambo thought that this was pretty evil, but that she had seen seven even more evil things that day, so it was the lesser of eight evils. This kept her hope alive.
Rory continued to not do SHIT.
Sadly, the next Immunity challenge involved sucking at basketball, and Gwadatim’s proliferation of black people doomed them to go to tribal council, where Jimmy was voted off for being old.
Episode 103: “A Modern Day Hate Crime”
Kim, mourning the loss of her friend Jimmy, made a final two alliance with Ashley.
While taking stock of her life, Ashley realized that all of her friends were white chicks with the IQ of bread. She decided that this was a modern day hate crime, and made an alliance with Bob Dawg. Bob Dawg decided that one white bitch wasn’t as good as two white bitches, and made an alliance with Courtney. Courtney got confused about which black guy she was talking to, and accidentally made an alliance with Phillip. Phillip hadn’t had any action in a long time, so he made an alliance with Sherea. Sherea wanted an ally who didn’t do SHIT, so she made an alliance with Rory. And, in all of the confusion, Shambo accidentally made an alliance with herself.
Danielle plotted to get rid of Shane, who was beginning to take up too much room in the shelter and constantly bitched about needing a cigarette.
But, sadly, the next Immunity challenge involved being bad at dancing, so Gwadatim’s innate sense of rhythm sent them to tribal council again. Ashley was voted off, because she had committed the cardinal sin of being white.
Episode 104: “Unorganized and Dysfunctional”
Displaying a great sense of optimism, Kim made a final two alliance with Courtney.
Meanwhile, Sherea decided that Gwadatim was disorganized and unfunctional, so she immediately began to march around camp like a drill sergeant and told everybody to shape up. Everybody told her to shut up, and began plotting to vote her out.
Meanwhile Sherea and Shambo formed an alliance based on having names that started with the same letter.
Over at Panoramio, the tribe didn’t really bother doing anything, because they knew they would win Immunity. So they went fishing, and Neleh’s doll fell overboard and was eaten by a shark. Shane tried to smoke one of the paddles, having mistaken it for a giant cigar, and accidentally set the boat on fire. A drunken Rob tried to put the fire out by peeing on it, which caused Edgardo to yell a bunch of douchey things in Spanish. Then the boat tipped over, and they floated back to shore by using Danielle’s implants as a floatation device.
At the next Immunity challenge, the castaways were tasked to go out into the wild and enslave all of the Sausage Island natives and force them to pick cotton. Panoramio easily won this, and Gwadatim went to tribal council once again. Courtney was voted out, because she was bitchy and annoying.
Episode 105: “Consequences Will Never Be The Same.”
Shambo and Rory began to plot together about how best to win the game. They decided that in order to solidify their alliance, they would target Bob Dawg.
Tragically, Kim’s attempt to form another secret crosstribe alliance with Bob Dawg fell apart, when due to an unforeseen tribe swap, they wound up on the same team. Rueing the cruel misfortunes of fate, Kim instantly made a backup final two with Phillip, figuring that having two black minions was good, and she wouldn’t have to bother trying to remember which of the game’s plethora of melanin-enhanced males she had an alliance with.
At the Immunity challenge, Danielle and Neleh won Immunity for their respective tribes. They were called Gorgita, which sounded like the name for a tiny Spanish Gorgon, and Bangalang, which is what Ted yelled whenever he tried grinding Sally.
While he was out looking for beer to steal from the production compound, Rob found a worm. He decided it would be his new friend and final ally, and named it Consequences. He proudly brought it back to camp, and let his new friend lie on a rock next to the fire. Phillip was walking past, and accidentally stepped on Rob’s pet, and the worm broke in two. Phillip frantically tried to stick the halves back together, but ultimately found it hopeless, and sadly cried out “Consequences will never be the same!”
This came back to haunt Phillip at tribal council, as he was voted off. Bob Dawg shortly followed him, as the misguided Gorgita tribe had gotten him confused with Ted.
Episode 106: “This Is a Tribe Full of Snakes... And I’m One of Them.”
Attempting to replace his dead worm, Rob went out into the jungle to find a new pet. He found a nest of poisonous pythons, and, drunkenly mistaking them for big worms, he grabbed a slithering mess of serpents and proudly carried them back to Bangalang’s camp.
“Look, guys!” Rob crowed. “This Is a Tribe Full of Snakes... And I’m One of Them!” Rob then proceeded to lie on the ground and make hissing sounds.
Everybody ignored him. Especially Danielle, who was pining for her lost love, Bob Dawg.
Meanwhile, over on Gorgita, Kim was busy formulating a plan. Since all of her allies had a tendency to get blindsided shortly after making a final two alliance with her, she decided to ensure the safety of her next ally by finding the Hidden Immunity Idol. Successfully digging it out from under a rock shaped like a sausage, Kim slipped the idol to her new best bud, Edgardo.
Tragically, El Doucho’s douchey douchiness bothered his tribe quite a bit, and they successfully blindsided him by telling him to his face that he would be the next person voted off.
Episode 107: “Implications.”
As the merge neared, everybody was thinking about the possible implications that the implications of their actions could have, so they took various actions to take care of those implications, but those actions had implications of their own, and it all got pretty confusing.
Shane, going through the implications of severe nicotine withdrawal, figured that he had probably excreted some nicotine through his foot sweat. So he lit his socks on fire and smoked them. This was, in the grand scheme of things, actually less disgusting than smoking a real cigarette.
Meanwhile, Danielle wasn’t sure what to name her baby. Sherea suggested that if it was a girl she would name it Bucket Head, which would surely have many implications for life.
At the Immunity challenge, Ted was unable to resist the temptation of Immunity, and began to grind against the idol. Disgusted, Brett and Lex sent his team to tribal council. This had a lot of implications.
Sally went home, ten seconds after agreeing to go to the final two with Kim. Ted thought that this had Implications of some kind.
Episode 108: “Ethan” – Rory
The tribes merged into one big tribe. To celebrate the merge, Shambo sunbathed topless, and the sight was so horrific that Danielle had a miscarriage. They named the deformed half-horse half-dog fetus Evil Steve and released it into the wild.
As a zealous right-wing person, Shambo was unable to cope with the implications of this Shambortion, and, shortly after being grinded by Ted, announced that she was humiliated, dehumanized, and totally spent, and would therefore be leaving. Nobody noticed.
Kim won the “Who Has The Same Last Name As A Famous North Korean Dictator’s First Name?” Immunity challenge. Ted heavily protested the results, claiming that Ted Grind Shin was totally a real person. To shut him up, Kim promised to take him to the final two.
Tragically, Rory stopped not doing SHIT, and announced that he was changing his name to “Ethan.” Thus, when the tribe all mistakenly voted for Rory, the votes didn’t count and Ted went home instead.
Episode 109: “Fucking Peaches”
The Whateverthehelltheynamedthemergetribe tribe were feeling the effects of cramming too many people into the shelter. Even though they no longer had to sleep in fear of being molested by Ted, things were still pretty cramped.
Ethan complained that he hadn’t been so uncomfortable since the time he’d sliced off his own hand to increase his overall level of power.
“You know what’s uncomfortable?” Danielle announced. “Fucking peaches.”
Nobody wanted to know if she knew this from personal experience. Rob vowed the he would never look at Peach Schnapps the same way again.
Meanwhile, Kim successfully convinced everybody else that the Immunity challenge had been delayed until the next day, and won Immunity by default when she was the only person to show up.
Kim and Shane formed an alliance based on the fact that they both had the last name Powers. But the powers were not the powers that be, and Shane was voted off that night.
Episode 110: “A Moral Victory”
Things heated up at camp as Ethan got into a fight with Neleh about the sleeping arrangements – namely the fact that Neleh was not sleeping with Ethan. Sherea bitched at both of them, because they were interrupting her beauty sleep.
Rob, meanwhile, found a rock, and named it Throkmorton. He was immensely pleased with himself, as this was a pet that would surely not leave him.
The next Immunity challenge was a puzzle. Things were neck and neck between Danielle and Kim, but Kim successfully assembled her puzzle faster, thanks in large part to the fact that she had first stopped to bash Danielle over the head with a crowbar and knock her unconscious – after, of course, offering her a deal to go to the final two. When questioned about her unorthodox tactics, Kim proclaimed that it was “A Moral Victory.”
Danielle went home, and trotted miserably away from the Tribal Council set to gorge herself on some hay.
Episode 111: “Madea Goes To Jury”
Ethan and Sherea got into a fight, because Ethan wouldn’t stop calling her Madea. It turned out that Ethan had never bothered to learn her name, because he rarely bothered to acknowledge any aspect of a woman that couldn’t be fondled.
Attempting to console the furious Sherea, Kim offered to take her to the final two. Sherea agreed, then bitched Rob out for being an alcoholic, bitched Neleh out for being childish, bitched Ethan out for having a stupid name, and bitched herself out for forgetting everything she’d been taught in her anger-management classes.
“I think it’d be best,” Ethan said sagely, “If Madea Goes to Jury.”
Sherea’s fate was sealed. Well, actually it wasn’t, because she almost won Immunity, but then lost to Kim because the final part of the challenge involved talking to a bunch of strangers without using the words “Bitch!” “krunk” “nigga” or “oh no you din’t!”
With that, the writing was on the wall, and Sherea was voted off.
Episode 112: “Clearing Everything Up.”
Neleh had a minor freakout when her Barbie doll went missing.
This sparked a long and fervent search, during which friendships were broken, loyalties were compromised, and nemeses arose to call down eternal damnation upon one another. Of course, all of this drama happened between members of the production staff, and had absolutely no effect on the game.
Kim admitted to having accidentally thrown Neleh’s Barbie away during a routine tidying of the shelter. Kim fervently apologized for the mistake, swearing that it wasn’t intentional, she was just “Clearing Everything Up.” Neleh’s tears were heartbreaking, and Kim offered the poor girl a final two alliance to console her.
Rob won Immunity in the “Name That Lager” challenge, and Neleh was voted out because everybody hates Mormons.
Episode 113: “Never Compromise” – Rob
Ethan decided to change his name back to Rory, because he thought it made him sound more like a lion. Rob thought this was stupid, and told Rory he should “Never Compromise.”
That night, Rob and Kim got completely wasted on coconut milk, and Kim asked Rob to go to the final two. Rob agreed, and then vomited noisily into the bushes, which made the resulting make-out session even more disgusting than it already was.
Sadly, Kim was still hungover the next day, and after Rory won the “Pluck Out Your Own Eyeball” challenge, had forgotten all about her promise to Rob, and voted him off.
Episode 114: “The Truest Nigga”
Kim and Rory wildly celebrated the fact that they were the final two – which got pretty awkward when Jason showed up to ask what they were partying about. It turned out he’d been living under the shelter for the past thirty-eight days, and had thus successfully avoided being voted off.
Cursing this sudden twist of fate, the final three went off to the last Immunity challenge, which Rory won by filing a pre-emptive lawsuit against the Sausage Island production team for racism.
“Damn straight!” he crowed as the necklace was fastened about his neck. “I am the Truest Nigga!”
Kim attempted to promise Rory a final two, but since he was going there anyway, he decided to vote her off instead.
There was a final tribal council. The final two both made opening statements, in which they made formulaic pleas about why they should win the game. Then the jurors all asked questions, which the final two responded to with answers. After that, there were closing statements, where the final two both said they should win again. Then the jurors voted.
They all voted for Rory, except Kim didn’t.
Then everybody bitched and moaned because the episodes weren’t ready. The next day, they bitched and moaned more.
Then, after bitching and moaning for a few weeks, they started moaning and bitching, just to switch things up. And so it went, bitching, moaning, bitching, moaning, for four straight months. Brett and Lex promised to do them a bunch of times, but instead they hosted two more games (and didn’t finish the Hall of Fame/Lame for Mini Sausage), did a bunch of other stuff which had absolutely nothing to do with writing any episodes. And still the poor alumni continued to bitch, their pathetic episode-deprived moans scratching at Brett and Lex’s attention like a marmoset trying to escape from a garbage can.
Then one day a handsome and heroic stranger named Rob, who was about fifteen billion times cooler than Boston Rob, mostly because he wasn’t from Boston, showed up and decided to end the bitching once and for all by writing the long-awaited episodes.
So he did, using nothing but the episode guide. At the end of the last episode he included a paragraph about himself, because he’s a shameless attention whore like that.
The End.
