Chronicles of Hellyse: Slayer Of Sausages

[Host Brett]

Can't wait! Its actually been a while since I got my computer brutally ravaged by trojans. It used to be a once a year occurrence due to my unwillingness to do updates and scans. Anyway good luck!

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

Dec 3, 2011 10:33:33 GMT -5 Host Brett said:

Can't wait! Its actually been a while since I got my computer brutally ravaged by trojans.

Mmm, you should have been there in 1194 BC, back when my name was Hellen instead of Hellyse. I quite liked being ravished by the Trojans...

Oh wait, you said "ravaged." Never mind.

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

Whoa. The RI duel is taking so long to complete that I actually have nothing new to add for the past five days since I said I'd post an update and didn't.

Well, except for the fact that I believe myself to have cracked the identities of both Alex and Colby. Expect this stunning revelation (Well, okay. All of you PWs already knew this stuff anyway thanks to everybody else's confessionals, but you should still be all "Omgash! Elyse is a genius!" because I figured it out all on my own like the big survivor I am.) to be included in Book VI. Which might turn out to be two books because it'll be so freakin' big.

Assuming I get this essay (my last one of the term. I've done approximately 40 pages of essays this month, thank goodness it's over) done tonight, Book VI should FINALLY be posted tomorrow.

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

~ The Hellyse Chronicles ~

Book VI: Nice Job Breaking It, Player.

[/b]


Hellyse stared down at the suspicious patch of dirt. A single black hair poked through the soil, looking for all the world like the tender virgin shoot of a seedling, questing for sunlight and nourishment. It was not a seedling, however. It was all that remained of Jenna Morasca.

Given the cruel nature of human reincarnation, Jenna would probably come back to life as a tree. This would, Hellyse reflected, probably make her smarter.

The Succubus smiled and threw her shovel aside, then sat down in the shadow of a tree to reflect on how things had progressed in the days since she'd nearly killed Jeff Probst by setting her fire ants on him.

The tribal switch had been a pain and a half. As the Succubus hadn't known about the treemail, she hadn't been able to join the group of Judd and Brandon, and had been exiled to the other tribe with Skupin and Alex. As she'd already seduced Alex into being her bitch, Hellyse didn't mind their company terribly much, but she was nonetheless rather nonplussed about the arrival of Mikayla, Jenna, and Ashley. The other girls immediately stripped down to the bare essentials and began to caress the boys in a ludicrous display of wanton flirtation.

Hellyse was rather confused by this. Ashley was rather portly, and ultimately nondescript as far as facial features went, and Jenna's tendency to strip down for no apparent reason made viewing her physical assets approximately as exciting as a bowl of Bran Flakes. Mikayla was reasonably attractive, but her features were sort of masculine, leading Hellyse to suspect that she and Skupin had swapped genders at some point in the premerge.

At the first challenge, the tribes were ordered to sit down and write an account of the first several days. Having already done an amazing job of this in the thread which you are currently reading, Hellyse was reasonably certain that she would obliterate such a laughably easy challenge in no time at all. Of course, since she needed to maintain the appearance of a troglodyte, Hellyse instead pretended to have no idea how to write things. This prompted Mikayla to offer to help Hellyse make her story better, which was the equivalent of someone approaching Kasparov and saying, "But what if you moved the bishop?"

It was around this time that Hellyse was bemused to discover that her karma ranking surpassed anybody else in the cast (incuding the hosts) by a pretty significant margin. This was rather bizarre, as Hellyse was unquestionably the most evil person in the game. Irony is certainly strange, sometimes.

Unsurprisingly, the newly-christened Lifou (named after an unremarkable island in New Caledonia - Forbans would have been a much better title) lost the challenge thanks to Ashley's refusal to do anything other than bitch about the two English classes she was in (which apparently had not instructed her that writing no paragraph at all was a stupid plan) and her inexplicable hatred for J.D. Salinger's immortal tome Catcher in the Rye.

Nonetheless, killing her pitiably mentally-deficient ass turned out to be rather difficult, as both Jenna and Mikayla seemed loath to exterminate their former compatriot. Hellyse circumvented this by proposing to boot Skupin and Alex in exchange for Ashley. However, knowing that Mikayla and Jenna were paint-drinkingly stupid and likely to louse up this magnificent deal, Hellyse first approached Alex and Skupin and actually explained her plan to them, so that if Jenna and Mikayla came running, Skupin and Alex would be unsurprised to hear that Hellyse had promised to vote them off.

The effectual result of this was that Hellyse essentially told Skupin and Alex to their faces that she would be approaching Jenna and Mikayla to vote them off, and they gave her full permission to do so. Ashley was unceremoniously tossed, and the heavens proclaimed that she had been voted out of Lifou. If one squinted, it appeared that she had been voted out of "life". This was particularly apt, given that Hellyse had slashed her wrists and left her to bleed to death somewhere in the jungle.

Tragically, Jenna and Mikayla forgot that two is a bigger number than one, and decided that their optimal course of action would be to go after Hellyse. They unsurprisingly failed at this attempt, and did so to such a degree that Skupin actually broke his day one alliance to keep Hellyse around over them. This should be seen as just one more reason out of thousands why Hellyse is really awesome.

Another reason is due to the Hidden Immunity Idol. While Hellyse hadn't really cared enough to search for it in-depth, when she actually did get around to solving the clue (which she did in approximately ten minutes, nine of which were spent strangling Jenna, whose frantic muffled gasps were becoming something of a distraction) she found an empty patch of dirt. Lex appeared out of nowhere, pointed a finger, and laughed mockingly at Hellyse. "Fnah Fnah! You've been bamboozled!"

Silently murmuring the words of a curse upon Lex's genitals which ensured that the Bastard family line would stop with him, Hellyse conjured up an ersatz idol, and stuffed it into the dirt, intent on having a good laugh at whichever poor sap happened to find it. Unfortunately, her attempts to blatantly goad Mikayla into finding it went awry when some jerk stole it. There was certainly a fair measure of bamboozlement about to be unloaded upon some unwitting oaf.

And then, of course, there was the matter of killing Jenna for being stupid enough to try and turn a Succubus' minions against her. It was pathetically easy, and Hellyse had a good laugh at the fact that Christa's ghost managed to kill Jenna's ghost and reattain corporeal form. She had, in fact, already begun to seduce Christa, and fully intended to capitalize on this opportunity at the nearest venture. Given that the dopey blonde was a crack addict, seduction wouldn't prove too hard.

But then of course came the news that they were going to be switching tribes once again. Tragically, the horseshoe which had apparently been lodged in Mikayla's colon for the duration of her lifetime had enabled the traitorous bitch to become the new leader of Lifou. Hellyse opted to escape. As Mikayla busily began taking forever to choose her new tribe, Hellyse tugged Brandon's sleeve, and began to whisper in his ear...

~ Glossary ~

"nonplussed" - Unhappy. (e.g. "Jenna was nonplussed when Hellyse strangled her to death.")

"wanton" - Totally unnecessary. (e.g. "Killing innocent castaways is wanton, but Hellyse keeps doing it anyway.")

"portly" - Fat. (e.g. "Ashley has a portly ass.")

"nondescript" - Boring. (e.g. "The Weather Channel is nondescript.")

"troglodyte" - A person who doesn't know much. (e.g. "Everybody is a troglodyte when it comes to Succubi.")]

"Kasparov" - The greatest chess player in the entire world. Telling him to move his bishop would be stupid. (e.g. "Hellyse decided not to have sex with Kasparov, because he compared her thighs to rooks.")

"surpassed" - Was higher than. (e.g. "The roof of the castle surpassed the basement.")

"Forbans" - An anagram of "Robfans," which would be a pimpin' tribe name. (e.g. "Forbans" is an anagram of Robfans. Robfans would be a pimpin' tribe name.")

"tome" - Book. (e.g. "The Hellyse Chronicles - Tome I")

"loath" - Unwilling to. (e.g. "Hellyse is not loath to have sex with anybody. Except Ted.")

"circumvented" - Went around. (e.g. "I circumvented Utah and went to Nevada instead.")

"ersatz" - Fake. (e.g. "Hellyse's rack looks ersatz, but it totally isn't.")

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

Alright, finished my massive update, and I think that's it for now.

Incidentally, I'm going to break character for a moment to announce that I'm fully aware of how little power I'm currently weilding. Thanks to everybody else's pregame friendships, I'm standing about sixth wheel in everybody's alliances. Now, I'm sure that the Top Sausage statistics have me relegated somewhere in the Little Weiner group, but y'all had better believe that I'm fixing to take over everything.

As it stands right now, Judd thinks he has Brandon, me, Ibe, John, and Mikayla on lockdown. Skupin thinks he has Alex, me, Colby, and Candice on lockdown.

In reality, I'm not really interested in handing either of them the game. I'm planning on flipping back and forth between both sides, and all I really need to be able to do this is to get John on my side. I'm pretty sure he'll do it, too.

Don't count me out yet, all you folks out there in Waffle Land. You ain't seen nothin' yet.

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

~ The Hellyse Chronicles ~

Book VII: You Just Got Elysed

Actually, come to think of it, nobody actually got Elysed Hellysed this round, so the title is actually something of a misnomer. I don't care.

Thanks to her seduction of Brandon, Hellyse managed to eschew the crippled SS Lifou and find respite in the welcoming arms of Midori. Un-unfortunately, this resulted in Judd being kidnapped by the hostile Mikayla, and placed onto a tribe filled with hostile former Calua members.

Hellyse pretended to feel some modicum of sympathy for the portly fellow, but in reality she rather felt that Karma was duly repaying the bastard for his infidelity to her. Hellyse and Karma actually got along rather fabulously. Most of the other anthropomorphized deific constructs, such as Fate and Luck, tended to be rather boring lovers, yet Hellyse and Karma had enjoyed a physical relationship in which each of them received as much pleasure as they put in; their passion for each other nearly warranted a renaming of the classic Indian erotica manual to the Karma Sutra[/i], if you get the drift.

Digression aside, the only reason Hellyse harboured any resentment towards the fate which befell Judd was because she had secretly hoped to be the one to ultimately sever his head. After all, it would have been supremely satisfying to send him on his miserable way with a smack on his flabby rump and a vote reading "You just got Elysed."

But, c'est la vie. The following morning, Hellyse woke up early and did some stretches upon the beach. So seductive was she that all of the animals in the jungle and the sea stopped to watch her - which turned out to be quite unfortunate for the carnally-charged birds, actually, as stopping in mid-flight caused them to end up splattered across the landscape below. With a final stretch which would have caused the most pious of monks to tear out their beards in frustration for having taken a vow of celibacy, Hellyse calmly strode over to the challenge arena and won Immunity for Midori all by herself.

This, of course, came as grave news to Miss Skupin, who was now in mortal danger of being slain by the feral Caluans. Tragically, the megalomaniacal pig-slayer would likely be spared by Mikayla, a fact which Hellyse added as Reason #15,994 on the "Why Mikayla Must Die" list. The silver lining to this particular cloud was that Candice would very likely take the fall instead, which, given Hellyse's proclivity to institute vagicide as a means of maintaining her role as supreme seductress, was quite alright.

Additionally, Hellyse's earlier prediction that Christa would prove marvellously easy to seduce proved completely true, as Christa made mention of wanting an "H#" with Hellyse and Alex. As Hellyse had no clue what an H# was, Christa was forced to explain that she actually meant F3, and was simply an atrocious typist. Having secured the crackhead's loyalties, the endgame officially became a Xanatos gambit for Hellyse, just as she had foreseen on day one.

However, given that Prediction Writers deplore to have their fun taken away by players correctly predicting the entire course of the rest of the game, the Succubus chose to remain silent regarding the details of her domination. They would see everything, soon enough...

~ Glossary ~

"misnomer" - A wrong name. (e.g. "Brandon's last name is a misnomer, because his real last name is "Hantz."")

"eschew" - Avoid. (e.g. "You should always eschew pissing off a Succubus if you know what's best for you.")

"anthropomorphized deific constructs" - Basically it's what would happen if Luck was a person walking around. I legitimately can't explain it any better than that. (e.g. "If you want to know more about anthropomorphized deific constructs, read some books.")

"Kama Sutra" - An illustrated guide to having sex. Really. (e.g. "Ten to one Ted goes and tries to rent the Kama Sutra at the library after reading this.")

"c'est la vie" - A French term that means "such is life." (e.g. "It's a sad thing that all of these people have to die, but c'est la vie.")

"feral" - Animal-like, or wild. (e.g. "Men go feral when Hellyse walks by.")

"vagicide" - Killing all of the women in any given area. (e.g. "If you want to have children, vagicide is probably something to avoid.")

"Xanatos gambit" - A scenario where I win, no matter what happens. (e.g. "This game, as I predicted all along, is a Xanatos gambit.")

[Kim Powers]

I'm really interested to see this "Why Mikayla Must Die" list!

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

Let me get this straight - I wrote a confessional in which I mentioned having a marathon of hot lesbian sex with the personification of Karma, and what you want to see more details of is the list?

Well, okay, you party animal, here ya go. I was going to post a picture of me and Karma tickle fighting in mud, but I guess this is the kind of thing you'd rather devote your attention to.

Feast your eyes!

[Kim Powers]

You could have posted a picture of both! No one is stopping you lmao

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

No, you had your chance. Enjoy your words.

Also, I'ma wait until the goonies actually get around to picking our tribe name to reveal what "Kendis Smokca" actually means. Suffice it to say, there's at least one person on our tribe who will be highly offended if they find out...

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

Buahaha. They actually DID call the tribe that.

Alright, let's talk about Kendis Smokca. It's not a Native legend. In fact, I don't even live in Idaho. I'm from Canada. (Though, that picture is a legit vacation photo of a mountain somewhere in Idaho. I made sure of that.)

Anyway, the story behind "Kendis Smokca" (and, believe me, you won't find this on Google, and that's why it's hilarious) is that it's a phonetic translation of a phrase in Belarusian. You can't look it up, and I'm the only one who knows what it actually means.

I did actually try to get a tribe named this in another series that I'm cohosting for, but the host demanded that I tell him what it means, and after I told him he had a minor conniption and told me that Kendis Smokca was a terrible tribe name, both because of what it means and the fact that it sounds stupid. Then I picked up a half-hour's worth of lecturing about my massive ego and how I need to stop being a jerk.

Naturally, being the person I am, I went right out and decided that I was darn well going to name a tribe Kendis Smokca someday.

Admittedly, I've been trying, no joke, to get a tribe named the Robfans tribe since 2004, and I've been shut down about fifteen times. (I came VERY close in Survivor Games Kiribati, but it was too long, and we were named the "Robfa" tribe to fit on the banner.) So I wasn't really sure I could do it. So I concocted this story about it just for the giggles.

So, anyway, what does this tribe name mean?

Well, I think it's funnier if I keep it a secret for right now.

But maybe if you PWs are reaaaaaaaaally nice to me, I might let it slip.

[Host Lex]

Sausage Island, where your dreams will finally come true

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

~ The Hellyse Chronicles ~

Book VIII: ...REALLY?[/b][/center]


The merge came, and with it came Christmas. The Succubus ceased to do terribly much in terms of the game, because the holidays are time in which the lives of Succubi become terribly frenetic. Between all of the lonely people seeking to get in one last lay before the holidays and the vats of alcohol consumed by the average partygoer, it simply becomes a case of "so many to do, so little time."

The Succubus did, however, find a few seconds to concoct a ridiculous story about a mountain of fire to convince her tribemates to name their team "Kendis Smokca", which is a phonetic translation of the phrase "Candice Sucks" in Belarusian. Candice, surprisingly, was one of the biggest proponents of this name, because, and I quote, "It sounds like Candice."

Yes. That's right. Candice liked "Candice Sucks" as a tribe name because it contains her own name.

Admittedly, Candice did want to change it to "Kendis" because that's the part she liked, so she actually inadvertently was campaigning for us to remove the part about her sucking, but everybody apparently liked that bit too much to change it. So everybody agrees that Candice sucks, including Candice, and it all works out perfectly. Meanwhile, Candice was likely bragging in her own confessional that she quite likes the new tribe name, because it sounds like her name.

Some time later, Ibrehem died. The Succubus had pretty little to do with it. Except for the bit where she stabbed him to death with a palm frond for insinuating that she was a pawn of Brandon's.

Shortly after this, there was an auction. Hellyse was unfamiliar with the concept of using money, as Succubi usually just seduce people into giving them things, or else just abscond with it when nobody is looking. Thus, she was able to satiate herself by stealing Skupin's money and banishing him to sit alone in the woods, then proceeded to buy a totally-unnecessary Immunity necklace (because it was pretty and subtly drew the eye to her supple bosom) and a key.

Sadly, before Hellyse was able to open the box containing whatever it was that the key would have revealed, a not-so-tragic-tragedy occurred. Brandon confessed that he had found a fake Immunity idol, and Mikayla proceeded to bust out a real one and clubbed the unfortunate preacher to death with it. Hellyse, who had spent the better part of ten seconds crafting that fake idol, was quite annoyed, because Brandon being blindsided with it had simply ruined what could have been a rather hilarious moment in the game.

Mikayla and Candice sensed the momentary forestallment of their unpreventable doom to be a sign that they were most assuredly going to be able to save their own bacon, and proceeded to go around whoring themselves out to any and everybody that happened to walk past. This disgusting show of self-degradation did nothing but heighten everybody's pre-existing desire to see the two of them gracing the jury with their gonorrhea-ridden behinds.

~ Glossary ~

"...REALLY!?" - The phrase Succubi continually find themselves saying, because human stupidity (and the stupidity exhibited by players in this game particularly) knows no bounds. (e.g. "Mikayla decided to offer Christa a F3 with her and Candice and then a five-way with me, Skupin, and Alex on the same day. ...REALLY!?")

"frenetic" - Busy. (e.g. "Hellyse did not answer the phone, because she was frenetic having sex with Alex.")

"Belarusian" - The language they speak in the country of Belarus. (e.g. "I didn't know Belarusian was even a language until I looked it up on the internet.")

"insinuating" - Sneakily claiming. (e.g. "Lex keeps insinuating that Hellyse had sex with him, but everybody knows she didn't.)

"abscond" - Run away. (e.g. "Brett and Lex are probably going to abscond together and get married someday.")

"supple" - For the life of me, I've only ever heard this term used to describe bosoms, and they are always described as supple, so I'm just going to guess that it means firm and pert.* (e.g. "Hellyse's bosom is supple, just like everybody else's.")

"forestallment" - A pause. (e.g. "When having sex, it's a good idea to take a forestallment to catch one's breath. Otherwise, they will probably suffocate. But at least they'll die happy.")

"gonorrhea" - A nasty disease. (e.g. "If Candice were to catch gonorrhea and die, it would be hilarious.")

[Elyse Mmmmemoto]

Glossary has been MASSIVELY updated. Out of curiousity, if any of you are actually even still reading this, would it help if I divided up the glossary so that the definitions show up on the same page as the words they're defining?

[Ole' Rory "The Crusher"]

I cant answer that question. But I could offer you some REAL sausage if you want a taste?

*winks*